Myrnin And The Lottery
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: Myrnin decides to make a lottery, the winner getting a pain free death. Just what happens on the day he sells the tickets? Pure crack. R&R for Hazel.


_For the most amazing girl, Hazel, for her birthday._

_Also, I don't own…Amy (Amy is Rockin), Hazel (spritesinger), Livsy (), Rae (turn that page of time), Danielle (lunamoon2012), Journey (FlyingPenguinz), Vitzy (Vitzy), or anything in this story._

* * *

Does there need to be this introduction?

Myrnin is, as per usual, bored. Oh and he's thirsty. Science and alchemy are his day job now, getting a bit repetitive in his old age, and he wants to liven things up in Morganville. Amelie is so _tetchy_ about him changing things around here now, ever since he got Oliver arrested for the fifteenth time, and she's cut his budget right back.

There was _one_ mishap with him _not-soaccidentally_ ordering Amelie things that even a Victorian brothel would throw out as rubbish for her wedding present, as well as the purchase of three elephants…and the giraffe…and giving Oliver a live lion for a present…

Then the time when he let Danielle take over the town due to his being knocked out after loaning Amelie's hot tub. But that's a story that nobody wants to go near, since then there was a period of time when Danielle and the "Journster" were dictators of Morganville…and they outlawed Yorkshire Puddings. That all ended and everything is happy now – but Amelie has never forgiven Myrnin for when she came home from her little trip away (people whisper _facelift_) to find Yorkshire Puddings banned.

So, basically, Myrnin is bored. He's got nothing to do and, quite frankly, he's sick of it. Boredom isn't befitting of someone as amazing as he is - self-modesty is a trait he is severely lacking in – so he needs to think of something superb, something spectacular that will get him back in Amelie's good books.

What does he come up with?

Well, basically, it all comes about because of Claire. If she hadn't, in her futile attempts to modernise Myrnin, made him get a TV, he would never have discovered _Countdown_, with Nick Hewer. If he hadn't discovered Countdown, he would never have found BBC1.

If he hadn't discovered BBC1, he would never have found the lottery.

"LOTTERY TICKETS HERE FOR SALE!" Myrnin screeches from his position right next to the main street of shops in Morganville. There's basically: a takeaway for everyone to eat from as there's no point learning to cook, because you're likely to die; a supermarket to buy fizzy from and other useful household items; a clothes shop because people need clothes…and Common Grounds.

So, just to rival Common Grounds, Myrnin has found _Belinda_: his old coffee machine that he made, just to ensure that he could rival Oliver.

"What's the lottery?" some smarmy kid comes over to him and is proper up herself, sneering as though the lottery is something bad. It isn't. Myrnin has never seen magic as cool as it.

Well…he saw a good way to make money from it in a rather entertaining manner, and Claire saw no harm since she was too wrapped up in watching Desperate Housewives.

"The lottery, little girl, is something that could change your life…_forever_," he's all dramatic and mysterious and is sort of glad that he decided to go out wearing a pirate hat because it distinguishes him from the lower class scum of Morganville. "Pay me five dollars and you get the chance to win…a pain free death!" he's so utterly excited about this that it shines through more than the fact that he's _slightly_ high does.

This girl is called Melinda. This has absolutely no bearing on this story whatsoever, the author just decided that more pointless information ought to be inserted into the story.

"Ok then!" she seems slightly nicer than before as she hands over thirty dollars to buy six tickets. "My Daddy is rich and he will buy me _anything_ I want," she boasts.

Myrnin merely rolls his eyes, hands over the tickets and puts his money into the spider money tin Claire got him for Christmas. Then he deletes Melinda's numbers, so she has no chance of winning.

Whoever said that this is a _fair_ game?

…

Within the next forty minutes, Myrnin is no longer bored. He's got nearly every single person in town – including some college students who think the prize is to win fifty thousand dollars – lined up at the little table he has set up, even some of the more naïve (aka stupid) vampires. He's even got his coffee machine working properly and everyone who buys a coffee at four dollars ninety cents gets a whole, wait for it…_three cents_ off the cost of their lottery ticket.

Six cents if they buy two.

Myrnin is the world's biggest scammer, and he's loving it. He's seen every girl, pretty much, in town and he's pretty amazed by some of the lookers. There's Livsy, though he heard that she's cheating with Shane so he loves her even more; there's Rae, who doesn't realise just how beautiful she is…and then there's Amy.

The absolute stunner walks up to his table, no need to introduce herself because _everyone_ knows who she is. She's hot but she's the nicest person there is in town, which makes every girl hate her even more, because she's not this massive bitch…unlike the town slut, Molly, who is in the queue just behind her, thinking she's oh so pretty.

(Nobody has told her about her pig shaped nose yet.)

"Can I have three tickets please?" Amy asks, smiling as she speaks and as she does, Myrnin decides to have some fun. He's _sort of_ in love with her, so he takes it further.

"You…uh…you most certainly can, m'lady," he says with a grin, trying to deepen his voice as he speaks. Whilst he pulls the tickets out of the box, he gives her an alluring smile, as so to make her want to snog him, but it doesn't really work, unfortunately. "They're on the…house_?" _he's not sure as he speaks as to whether this is the right word, but he decides to hedge his bets.

"Are you ok…?" Amy asks him slowly, confused because why would this vampire be being nice to her? Everyone is scared of Myrnin, if only for how many times he's succeeded in getting Oliver arrested, and usually when Myrnin's being nice, he's actually evil.

So it's sort of sad that now, when he's trying to get a date because Ada was _so_ last century, he's not loved.

"Yes, I just merely wished to ask for your hand in marriage," he could have probably gone along and gotten the date with her, if he had just promised her in blood—no, wait, vampire, scratch that. He could have gone on a date with her if he promised her in silver that he wouldn't hurt her, or get her arrested, but Myrnin isn't ever happy with things like this. He has to go the stage further and screw things up.

Unfortunately for Amy, her Patron, Oliver, steps out of Common Grounds now. It doesn't look like he's coming for her, because his face is angry and is that…?

"OLIVER IS CRYING!" Myrnin changes his focus to Oliver quicker than those elves Oliver bought last year could run towards their master, laughing evilly. "HAHAHAHAHA, he's a big wussy!" he continues, moving away from his position at Amy's feet (she's wearing beautiful shoes, it must be pointed out) to return to stand by his money and Belinda.

"Stop taking all my business, you dog," Oliver tries to sound really, really manly as he speaks, but he fails rather miserably. All every person in the queue does is laugh, which doesn't help his ego at all because not only is he a man, but he's a vampire and male vampires are very egotistical.

If you need proof of this, please remember the subject of this story: Myrnin.

"Stop being such a noob," Myrnin retaliates with instantly, clutching his money in his arms. "Go run off and pretend to kiss Amelie because she doesn't love you really, or do you not remember the incident at her wedding?" he reminds Oliver of when he got arrested for painting the walls with "Amelie loves Oliver"…and this was at Amelie and Sam's wedding.

Oliver blushes and his eyes fall on Belinda. "Hey! You stole Bertie!" he cries out, wanting to attack Myrnin but not daring to incase he gets beaten.

Myrnin always wins.

However, before Myrnin can reply, there's a response to Myrnin's mentioning of Oliver kissing a model of Amelie.

Amelie steps out.

Throughout the entirety of this argument, Amy continues to stand here, bored, so she starts to text Aimy, because she may be the _nicest_ girl in Morganville, but that doesn't mean that she's not going to get bored.

_Oh my __**gawd**__, the hottie vampire is going crazy_ is what her text to Aimy says, who doesn't reply straight away because she's too busy with Ben and Jerry.

"YOU STILL HAVE THAT MODEL OF ME?" Amelie screeches at Oliver and this is turning into a complete Jeremy Kyle episode, until Myrnin jumps up.

"Amelie, go home," he's almost serious as he talks, so the entire Square shuts up just to hear what Myrnin says. And some take pictures and post it on their illegal Facebook accounts, just to remind people that _real_ vampires don't sparkle. "Oliver, go run off and be a weirdo as you normally are. It's not stopped you for the past however many years, so just leave me alone! GOD!" he screeches the last word, having a little Myrnin panic moment because he hasn't had one in a while.

So Amelie runs off home to Sammy, whilst Oliver returns to his silent café and pretends that Vitzy is there with him, even though she's in India at the minute. Sad times.

"Amy, I love you, please marry me," Myrnin returns to his previous statement and remembers that Oliver forgot to react to Amy (his Protectee, oohhh) being proposed to by him.

Amy doesn't reply because her Facebook relationship status is that she's already engaged to Aimy (_so_ not lesbian but it's just how they roll) so she doesn't want to be the new town slut. But he _is_ hot.

"I'll marry you if you kill Oliver," she sets an impossible situation for him, since he can't kill Oliver ever since he made this Unbreakable Vow not to.

"DEAL!" Myrnin proclaims loudly, having forgotten this flaw, and proceeds to finally give Amy her lottery tickets.

This means she can go away and be an amazing person for the rest of the day, since the next draw will be next week.

**.**

An hour or so later, however, and it is getting a little tedious for Myrnin to be selling these tickets.

"Claire, get down here now and sell these tickets!" he screeches down the phone, before he realises that she was in line to buy some. "You're reassured that you're not going to die today, ok?" he tells her, knowing it'll be truth unless she tells him that she's pregnant with Oliver's baby as that would just be too weird to live with.

Or that she wants to eat _him_. Cannibalism is just _not_ how he rolls.

So, whilst Myrnin gets to make cups of coffee that look like something that shouldn't be mentioned, Claire has to hand out lottery tickets and reassure people that the prize is – literally – to die for. And the college students are like, "OMG, I can buy that cute skirt in the other shop," as they don't realise that they're not going to make it through.

Just then, Danielle and the Journster, also called Journey when she's in a normal mood, decide to pop up to the desk.

"Yo, Myrnin, you're a cool dude, right?" Danielle drawls, trying to be a gangster…even though she's not a gangster.

"Myrnin, Danielle is talking to you," Claire turns to Myrnin and tells him because he's decided that the lottery maker person is someone who should _not_ have to speak to the fans.

"I'm cooler than you are," he replies back shortly, still mad about the whole Yorkshire Pudding thing. "Anyway, what do you want?"

"You're a genius, Journey's a genius," Danielle pauses, as to try and imply something here. "She's found you the _perfect_ replacement for Ada!"

Curiosity piqued, Myrnin leans forwards and ushers them round to the side of the table whilst Claire continues to sell lottery tickets, making millions of dollars. She doesn't know how she's making so much money, but she's sure that Myrnin has some tricks up his sleeve or something.

"Hazel, this absolutely amazing girl, is now seventeen so is able to be the new machine!" Journey squeals because she's in one of those "girly" moods, since she's going to see Olly Murs in thirteen days. _Thirteen _days, people, so she's had to learn all the lyrics and just share to the world how amazing he is. "And the best thing is, her head can stay in her body as she's a machine! It's a win-win situation! Something that's almost as good is that she's not in for the lottery so she can't die today!"

Myrnin is considering this.

"Book her in for the machinerisation!" he orders suddenly, before growling again. "Also, you two have to go clean out my dogs because you're still in trouble. Oh and the elves need more work doing to them."

Oliver steps out of his café again, indignated that the elves are still here, before entering his café again. This time, Journey decides to join him.

Danielle disappears into the distance.

Myrnin's now getting bored again.

**…**

Calling forwards the end of the lottery as seven pm is _far_ too long away, Myrnin sets up his marble ball that doesn't really have any special powers. He's just going to make the numbers up as he speaks, as he figured the BBC Lottery people do that as well.

He thinks they do, anyway.

The entire town is in the Square, including Amelie as she wants to tell everyone that she's pregnant, which should get complicated, and Myrnin stands with Claire besides the big marble.

"You're all idiots for entering this lottery because you got scammed into dying tonight," he shrugs because all the college kids are at campus, having been told to go back there as there's a rhinoceros running through town.

American students are stupid enough to believe anything, sometimes.

"Get to the chase, Myrnin," Oliver says because he thinks that Amelie will save him.

She won't; she's still mad about the destruction of her statue, which was orchestrated by Myrnin but blamed on Oliver.

Dramatic music starts to play as Myrnin pretends to draw a number up but just makes one up between one and forty seven.

"Seven," he announces, causing loads of people to just go shake their heads and walk away.

"Fourteen."

"Twenty one."

"Twenty eight."

Myrnin has yet to realise that he's just reading out the seven times table.

"Thirty five."

"And, finally, we have…_forty two_!"

Unfortunately, he forgot to check that someone _had_ these six numbers.

"OMG I WON!" Amy screeches – you remember, the really amazingly talented and amazing girl from earlier. "I LOVE THIS DAY!" she continues, neglecting to mention how she found the present she was going to send to Aimy and has now sent it.

The entire crowd disperses before Amelie realises that she needs to tell everyone she's pregnant, so she sneaks away with Sam to go eat a Chinese.

Hazel makes her first appearance of the story, because she's just too cool for words, and helps Claire to clean up because she's the best, nicest person that this author knows.

Amy approaches the stage that has just magically appeared – magic is something that Myrnin believes in…or just Claire pressing the button to make the stage appear – and climbs the steps.

Then Myrnin kisses her because he loves her in a weird "oh my god, you are perfect and amazing" sort of way.

"What did I win again?" she frowns and he smiles in a slightly melancholy way.

"I can't marry you, my sweet, but I can give you this," he says, snapping her neck before draining her.

(He had forgotten his thirst from this morning.)

Well he _did_ give her a pain free death.

**…**

The next week, Eve dies.

**…**

Myrnin has lots and _lots_ of fun every Saturday as the humans are too stupid to realise that they're all dying, until there's only like two left and he promised not to kill them.

So he's bored again.

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_What did you think?_

_Don't favourite without reviewing, please and thanks._

_Vicky xx_


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